One thing is certain about most men in our culture today: we have not been fathered. This may seem like a bold indictment, but after 10 years of ministry experience, I am convinced that most of the struggles men battle today: pornography, passivity, or rage, stem at least in part from a lack of fathering. For many of you, this is not a new concept. You are painfully familiar with the burden of trying to figure out manhood on your own because Dad was unavailable for one reason or another. For others, you've never identified it as a lack of fathering. You just thought that's how every man was supposed to feel. Either way, the void is there.

As men, we are made in the image of God and innately possess the raw materials of masculinity. However, we are not born with the knowledge of how to use those materials. As with any trade or skill we have to be taught how to be a man. What guy ever picked up a power tool and instinctively knew how to hang drywall, or picked up a guitar and just knew how to play it? In the same way, we can't expect a young man to know how to deal with adversity or to pursue a woman's heart well unless he has been taught how to navigate such uncharted waters. Granted some men are self taught, but that is (and should be) the exception, not the norm.In his book Iron John, Robert Bly explains the critical need a young man has to be ushered into manhood by his father. It is something tribal cultures understand, but
something our society has lost. He writes:

Fathers and sons in most tribal cultures live in an amused tolerance of each other. The son has a lot to learn, and so the father and son spend hours trying and failing together to make arrowheads or to repair a spear or to track a clever animal. When a father and son do spend long hours together, which some fathers and sons still do, we could say that a substance almost like food passes from the older body to the younger (p.93).

Bly is painting the picture of a son coming alongside the father and almost being infused with what it means to be a man. This process of initiation encompasses not only the physical aspects like hammering a nail, changing oil, shooting a free-throw, or playing a chord, but the emotional ones as well. Sons need fathers to teach them how to acknowledge and deal with their emotions. Not being fathered well can limit a man's capacity to feel loved and to express a range of emotions. He ends up resembling the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. He was strong and carried an axe, but inside there was a void where his heart should have been. I am not suggesting that men don't have feelings. Rather, they have not been taught how to acknowledge them or how to deal with them.
 
In his book Beyond Anger, Dr. Thomas Harbin makes the point that our culture only allows men to acknowledge two emotions: lust and rage. Anything else, and they risk either being labeled as weak or people just flat out don't know what to do with them.
Think about how the media portrays men. We either get Everybody Loves Raymond or Die Hard. Therefore, guys are either emotional nit-wits or they are so angry that they're wiping out entire buildings full of terrorists. Rarely do we get a balanced picture of a man who not only fights but also loves well, grieves over losses, expresses needs, and faces fear honestly. So when you combine a lack of mentoring with a skewed picture of masculinity, the result is a culture full of men who are left in a precarious position.

Despite the overwhelming obstacles, I still believe God is in the business of training men to be men. I believe that He can and does step in to pick up where a man's father left off. Part of this process involves God helping a man become reacquainted with
his heart. This takes some effort, and frankly, feels awkward and painful in the beginning. But this awkward pain is part of the learning process we missed growing up fatherless. No man ever learns how to do anything without a certain amount of sweating and feeling foolish. For many men, becoming reacquainted with their heart is going to involve digging underneath the default emotions of rage and lust.

If a man struggles with anger, he would do well to start asking himself questions like, "Why did I get so angry in that situation tonight?" Maybe he felt disrespected, hurt, dismissed, or inadequate. Rarely is anger just about being frustrated or irritable. If a man struggles with on-line pornography, he could ask himself questions like, "What was I feeling tonight before I got on the computer?" Maybe he felt alone, anxious, overwhelmed, or powerless. There is hope and dignity if we can get beyond the surface emotion and behavior to what is really going on. But if we as men do not become reacquainted with our hearts, we put our souls and relationships in jeopardy. We run the risk of being unable to connect with our spouses, empathize with our kids, or express our own needs. We become isolated from others and from even ourselves. As with anything involving our souls, this is not something that you were meant to do on your own.

Pray for a godly older man to mentor you if you don't have someone already. Allow great authors like C.S. Lewis and Thomas Merton to teach you about the heart. Seek out or develop a group of men who will struggle alongside of you. But most
importantly, invite God to Father you. He is in the business of raising sons. In Galatians 4:7, the Apostle Paul writes, "For you are no longer a slave, but a son." Ask God to Father you, and then wait. So often, we ask God to do something in our lives and when it doesn't happen, we almost immediately throw our hands up and walk away. Great men of scripture and in history always had to wait on God. So wait to see what he does. Maybe he will bring hardship, and maybe he will bring success. Both are part of learning to become a man. Wait, and expect.